Like Ships in the Night
by somesortofdeliciousbiscu1t
Summary: Fate and circumstance has conspired to throw Waluigi and Rosalina together. But what will they make of it and will fate conspire such that both are destined to be alone?
1. A Walk to the Shops

Waluigi walked around in a daze. His back was twinging like it usually did within a few hours of waking. His stomach growled as its insistent signals were the reason he was at the food store. He knew that being hungry shot his concentration, but he had been so close to finishing his new surveillance system that it was an effort of will to take a break. That was not helping his mood either.

He sighed as he stalked around the aisles, his head clear of the top by most of a foot. Sure, there was a decent human population in the cities but most places were made for Toads. In fact, it felt that most of the time he assumed the same shape as the capital Gamma he had adopted such was his height.

Right, milk, cheese, bread, anything than the garlic-laced garbage that passes for Wario's cooking. He felt another hunger pang. Better add bananas and cookies. Don't miss snack-time or it will suck.

He stood up to his full height to get the cookies of the top shelf, stretching out his neck. Then he froze as he saw the top of someone else's head. White blonde hair and human from what he could see.

Who's that? Oh wait. Could that be...her? If so what's she doing in a grocery store?!

Waluigi was grateful that the time spent reading newspapers and magazines wasn't wasted. But that didn't answer the questions as to why she was here. Wasn't she supposed to be a queen of space? Doing her shopping? Only one way to find out.

Waluigi made a broad stride such that he disappeared behind the shelves. Woah! Don't make it look like you're actually stalking her! He looked around at the aisle nearest to the tall woman. Scourers and bleach. Don't really need them but try and act nonchalant.  
He tuned the corner and feigned an interest in the selection of shampoo which faced him while he looked at the woman from behind. She was only a little shorter than he was and her white blonde hair fell to below her shoulders. She was wearing a short sky blue tunic with a low collar and a pair of slim white trousers. She was perusing a list in one hand while massaging her lower back with her other fist. She looked tired and from what he could see of her face looked a bit flushed, even though it was not that warm outside. She sighed.

He guess correctly that she needed something off the bottom shelf. Much to his dismay he found himself blushing.

Offer to pick up her shopping, jerk! Damn! Why can't I speak?! Is this what Luigi feels like all the time!? Nope too late! She...She's beautiful. And she doesn't know me. And hasn't heard of me. Yet. This is your chance not to screw up.

She bent down to pick up the item. Waluigi concentrated on not watching her bottom but when faced with what looked like feminine hygiene products realised that would look even weirder. You're gonna have to walk past her then.

He walked past but as he did so she stumbled and dropped her basket.

"Damn! Dammit! There goes my eggs! Oh no!" As various items skittered out of the basket onto the floor.

Waluigi turned to face her as he grabbed some of the spilt items and put them in her basket.  
"Uh let me help you"

"Oh thanks! Oh no, the eggs are broken! They're making a mess on your trousers! Sorry!"

Waluigi wiped his hand on his trousers. "No s'ok, these things kinda happen. I'll get you some fresh ones from the fridge. It's a pain having to bend down ALL THE TIME!"

Their eyes met.

"Um this is gonna sound uh weird but are you Rosalina?"

"Yes. That is me. I don't think we've met but you look kind of ...familiar? How did you guess my name?"

Waluigi returned with the eggs and an irate young Toad with a mop and bucket. "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Rosalina blushed.

"There's so much to take in, if I'm going to live here for some of the time. Oh! What am I saying?! I don't know you."

Waluigi was lost for words. She was supposed to be a queen of space, but there she was looking out of her depth amongst the shopping. She looked lost and strangely tired. But she said she didn't know him! Don't screw this up this time!

"It's ok, I hate shopping too. Oh and I read the papers. It was meant to be a big thing you arriving at Peach's castle."

"Oh that. Of course. I didn't expect the press to be that interested. Oh wait. Who are you again?"

Come on man! If you keep stalling she'll think you're that loser Luigi! Tell her your name!

"Um My name is Waluigi". Rosalina's brow wrinkled with puzzlement but relaxed. Phew! Got away with it!

"Waluigi, that is an unusual name for a human. are you ok? You just gasped!"

You stupid dumbass! You've blown it. Gotta think fast!"

"Um yeah, my back aches too. Being tall can kinda suck. I'll help you take this stuff to the checkout."

"Thanks, we haven't met. You don't know Wario do you?"

"Why do you ask?"

"It's...It was a bit weird meeting him. Like he seemed real keen to sort me out with supplies and equipment for my ships and orbital platforms but completely clammed up when I said that I couldn't put up his commsat up for free. You still have to get a rocket for that!"

Dammit what now! Wario's a complete jerk but I still work with him! I didn't think this was going to come out!

"Yeah, I know him. I've ... worked with him. He's ok really, just he's really into money but not into washing! Just be real careful if you do take him up on things he offers."

They payed for their shopping and bagged up their groceries.

"Thanks Waluigi, for giving me the heads up on Wario."

"Thanks, Rosalina. I guess this is goodbye."

"Maybe not. It's a nice day, we can walk for a bit, owww I need to. It really hurts when standing."

"Are you Ok?"

"I will be. I don't know how you cope, Waluigi with being this heavy all the time. You're even taller than me!"

"My back plays up. It was Wario's idea but I have a set of bars I can hang and stretch from. Those help a lot. Uh what do you mean about being heavy all the time?"

Rosalina blushed.

"Oh, I forget but where I come from gravity is a lot stronger." She saw Waluigi's quizzical gaze.  
"It might not make sense but that means even the biggest stars a only a mile across and the planets are tiny. You can walk round them in half an hour. It's just I am used to walking up hills and feeling lighter. You never feel lighter up the hills here!"

"Ah. I get that allright!" Waluigi smiled.

It was Rosalina's turn to look quizzical. She had met Wario and judging by the colours he wore on his cap this man Waluigi was one of his associates. But he seemed almost sweet. True she could see how others found him scary with his great nose, hefty jaw and pointy ears, coupled with a leanness which looked unhealthy. But it was a true smile which reached his eyes and it somehow made his features soften. He was actually almost handsome in a strange, dark fashion. She wondered if he smiled often.

"So if Peach has invited you here, why are you doing your own shopping?"

"I don't want to be trouble to Princess Peach and I don't want the attention when I visit so I have a small cottage that I am renting here in the kingdom. I feel I need to see what ordinary people do, and I'm not used to servants. I'm so used to being on my own, but I do get lonely. It was so nice to meet Peach, Daisy, Mario, Luigi..." Her voice trailed off.

"Yeah, most people have been good, but the press can be a pain, and there is always someone who doesn't like anyone different."

"Yeah. I get that."

They walked down the path until it reached a small river. One branch went over the river, the other went parallel to the river.

"Goodbye for now. It was really nice talking to you. Do you mind if I call you Wally? I can't quite remember your full name."

Wally? It had a nice feel about it. Sure why not! It made a change from the usual name calling.

"Yeah, that's ok, Rosalina."

"Look maybe we can talk further. Not today, I am still setting up my house. But we could meet up by this bridge next week same day at 10 if you like? There's a cafe we can sit outside if the weather is nice. We won't hit our heads on the doors either."

Now it was Waluigi's turn to blush. Was this a date!?Calm down, don't do anything weird this time. It's just coffee and cake!

"Yes! That'd be great! I get what you mean about getting lonely and not seeing people. I'll wear something nicer than these duds".

He looked at his well worn coveralls studded with pockets full of various small tools, the rapidly drying egg on his trousers and the grubby gloves poking out of his chest pocket. Man! I sure FEEL like Number 1. I don't even have to say it!

And so he walked back to his workshop grinning like an idiot.


	2. Coffee and Cake

Waluigi glanced at the clock on the wall and cursed. Turned out it was half past, just the wrong half past. He'd got up early to finish off the work in time for the date but time had slipped.

Dammit! Stop now and you can grab a shower. If you don't you'll smell as bad as Wario!

Waluigi practically fled from the workshop to his bedroom, where he stripped off in front of the mirror. Not too bad, he thought. Lean and skinny was what he liked. Wait! There isn't time for this! Get in the shower.

When in the shower he chided himself. Don't be dumb and think THAT far ahead. You've stuffed up before doing that! It's only coffee and a cake!

Wrapped in a towel he looked at the clothes on the bed. Silk turtleneck, skinny black jeans and a black waistcoat. Right. 10 minutes to get dressed, then you'll still make it to the bridge on time. Damn! Why am I feeling out of breath? This is so dumb! Waluigi's number 1, so don't make like Luigi and blush like a volcano!

Okay! Just keep up a brisk pace and you'll make it.  
It was warmer than of late with a pleasant breeze and some scattered clouds as Waluigi was in sight of the river. Plenty of time! Now what would she like.. .

Waluigi went pale when it dawned on him that he'd completely forgotten to bring a present. No! NO NO! He jumped up and down. How could be be so stupid! Something simple, like a nice scarf. Or chocolates. Or flowers.

Wait. There was a Toad graveyard 10 minutes away, or 3 minutes if he ran like someone going to the toilet when they'd found out that Wario was cooking. It was well tended, with many graves having luxuriant floral tributes.

I'm going to hell...

-

Rosalina sat in the sunshine looking at the clock. Only three minutes late but it seemed longer.

She sighed. Was this really a good idea? She had heard the rumours about Waluigi, that he could be charming but had a horrible temper and was fond of cruel practical jokes. Both Peach and Daisy knew him and Peach had been diplomatic. Daisy was less so and Rosalina suspected there was more of a backstory there. Still, it didn't seem right to press it.

But that hadn't gelled with what she'd seen in that chance meeting with him in the shop. He'd seemed almost as nervous as Luigi and didn't seem to be creepy, as Daisy had described him. He seemed almost sweet. She knew she would have to speak to Wario at some point and that Waluigi was instrumental in keeping Wario's various schemes alive.  
Still she needed to give him the benefit of the doubt. It would be unfair not to.

If he's supposed to be so clever, he can use a watch-

"Hnnngh hnnn hnnn hnnn!" A sweaty figure who's face matched the colour of his purple turtleneck ran towards her table, dark red roses clasped in one hand, neatly derailing her train of thought.

"Wally what's happened?"

"Hunh huh, I...was...running... ."

"What?"

"I...got...flowers...for...you..."

"Ah. They're very nice. There are very interesting. Princess Peach says that this variety is particularly significant for Toads, usually given at births and funerals."

"Ah yeah Aha Ha ha ahahahah!"

Oh no! By Wario's underpants hamper she's onto me! Waluigi felt a fresh flush of sweat trickle down his back, grateful that he was wearing a waistcoat. Better not raise my arms...

"But I do like them. I wasn't expecting anything. I haven't brought you anything! I'm not sure what the customs are here?"

"Um uh, I'm not so sure either. I don't get invited to eat cake very often."

Don't blow it now! Looks like she doesn't know about the flowers! You can still save this!

Waluigi was feeling better now he'd sat down. She's still smiling.

"So tell me more about yourself? I have to say that the advice about hanging from chin up bars really helped."

"Um thanks. Well. Um. My names Waluigi and I do all sorts of things! If you need something made, I can make it? You need something watching I can spy on it. No need to get your hands dirty like a plumber, I can make a 'bot for it! he heh. I'm Wario's go to guy!"

"Okay! See, isn't it better now your more relaxed! Wow, it seems you have hidden depths Wally! As for me, I am a traveller from an early age, but not by choice."

Rosalina went silent, looked down briefly, then looked at the menu.

"Shall we get some drinks and cake?"

Waluigi nodded. It seemed that the conversation was steering towards somewhere uncomfortable.

Their food and drink arrived, two coffees and a selection of small cakes. Rosalina smiled at Waluigi.

"Well, I sort of became an honorary mother to Lumas, the little star people that live in my cosmos. Then there was a cataclysm and I and my observatory had to escape through a black hole. We wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for Mario, Peach and Luigi."

"Huh?!"

"I know, it doesn't seem believable when I say it now, but that's what happened. It was this fearsome beast called Bowser who'd stumbled upon an ancient alien artefact, but didn't control it. It more controlled him and soon he was within its thrall.

We escaped through a black hole and into this Universe. We could not have done so without Peach, Mario and Luigi."

Waluigi was silent. He had no idea what to say next. But say something! Show that you can actually speak more normally than Wario running uphill after a pizza van.

"Whoa. So why are you here in the Mushroom Kingdom?"

"Princess Peach wanted to get to know me. There are certain skills I have to offer, but most I cannot tell you as of now. I will be going back to my base in a couple of months. Maybe you'd like to come perhaps?"

"Yeah! That'd be awesome! So what's it like being in low g?" You've saved it!

"Well, I never thought about it until I came here, but Mario and Luigi found it hard to get used to it. I felt bad for them."

Waluigi grinned. "I guess it must be kinda weird!"

"Yes. Mario found his space legs real quick-" Of course he would.

"-But Luigi... Wan't the best first meeting. I first saw him making a bee-line for the bathroom. His face was the same colour as his shirt!"

Waluigi sniggered. "So what happened?"

"Mario told me. Luigi got startled by one of my rabbits, so he ran off and tripped. But he was going so fast he launched himself!"

"Uh? What do you mean launched?"

"Oh. One of the quirks of my space base is that it is small enough that you could launch yourself into orbit if your careless when running or jumping. That's what happened to Luigi. He made two full orbits before Mario caught and de-orbited him! You tend to spin when in free fall. That's what set him off. Waluigi are you all right?"

Waluigi's face was twitching with snorts coming out of his nose and face. Finally, he could no longer hold on.

"Whahwhahahhahhhh! Ha ha ha ha! What a complete loser! Hello queen of space my name is BLAARGHH! Ha Ha ha!"

He laughed until tears where in his eyes. What a complete loser. He might have Daisy but that sure had to suck. Bet he throws up everytime he sees a pretty women!"

Waluigi was too busy snorting and sniggering to notice that Rosalina's expression more closely resembled a Gao statue, all traces of smile having diminished.

"I didn't think it was that funny. And I can't blame Luigi. You have no idea how changing g affects you. I've been caught out myself..."

She tailed off when she realised Waluigi was still sniggering, seeming unaware of her presence. She felt a flush of anger within.

"WALUIGI! HELLO I'M STILL HERE!" A mass of heads turned. Waluigi flinched.

"Hnn hn hn what? Oh. Yeah, but that was till dumb of him. You can make that loser jump and scream just by popping a bag behind him!"

"I think it's best if we end this conversation. What's so funny about being sick? Is it funny when you're sick? I didn't think you'd find other peoples' discomfort so funny?"

Waluigi felt like his clothes became much larger and much hotter. He slunk into his chair.

"Um...uh...so you didn't find it even a bit funny?"

"NO! My space home is a place a safety for all who are invited to it! It is my responsibility to ensure all guests are comfortable!"

He stared at his feet, the bunch of flowers and his feet again.

"Actually, I've been hiding something from you. I have heard Peach's caution and some of those rumours about you. But I don't believe in judging someone just on what others say. And you where so sweet in the shop. Disappointing! I expected better!"

"But...but..."

"I've seen enough. Don't contact me unless I contact you first. You can keep your flowers. Bill please!"

Waluigi sat in silence. Seemed his luck was back to normal. What is it with your ability to grab defeat from the jaws of victory. The one woman who asked you on a date and you screw it up!  
He took the flowers and slunk off towards the woods. He hurled the flowers in the river. Well done.


	3. Nocturnal Gardening

The light was fading as he came to the fence that marked the edge of the property, pink-gold light slanting between fluffy stacks of clouds. A warm breeze blew drops of water from the apple trees overhead.

Final check, he thought as he patted the pockets of his coveralls.

Wire cutters. Check.  
Cable ties. Check.  
Secateurs. Check.  
Plastic wrap. Check.

So far so good, smiled Waluigi as he vaulted the fence with a single stride.

The edge of the grounds was quite overgrown with a steep cut about five feet high from which the rest of the garden gently sloped back upwards to the Bros' house. This was useful as cover as Waluigi crouched behind the cut, slowly making his way along the fence, moving closer towards the house.

There! There is was! Right in the middle of the rose garden. His, no her prize, the coveted Beanish Rose. He could see the metallic golden sparkles from here in the setting sun. In plain sight of their lounge. Which was occupied.

Damn! Dammit! They were supposed to be at Peach's Castle! He took a sharp intake of breath. He'd assumed it would be at the Castle, the meeting with Wario, Mario, Luigi and Rosalina about the latest popular televised contest following the success of the Mario Party series. His knees still ached in cold weather from the last Mario Party series, but the looks of dismay on the other's faced when faced with game such as Heat Stroke and Chain Chomp Slide made it almost bearable.

Waluigi inched over the top of the cut, getting a glimpse of who was in the lounge. All he could see was Mario, Luigi and Peach. Mario and Luigi appeared to be tidying up ready for their other visitors. Peach looked like she was gaming, judging from the flickers of the TV.

Don't panic! You've come prepared. You're wearing the shirt and coveralls that you got bleach on and you've camoe'd up. It'll be dark soon and your down a hill. They're not even looking this way.

By now he was in a straight line between the roses and the french windows, which lead out onto the veranda. Waluigi slowly inched his way over the top of the cut. Just 'cause they're here doesn't mean it's a no-go!

He was most of the way out of the cut when Click! The door went. Luigi was heading out into the garden with what looked like a bucket. He was heading round to the back door. Waluigi strained his ears as he heard snatches of conversation.

"Luigi, why do you have to do that now?"

"-It's full, and it's the first rime it's stopped raining for long enough-"

"-Bro, don't assume that Wario's going to be late, although he's not going to break the habit of a lifetime -"

"-It's WAR! Their days are numbered-"

"Whoa! Just bin that knife, or put it in the toolshop-"

Luigi has a knife! He froze. No no no, he doesn't know I'm here. He's too much of a wuss to even think of such a thing OH NO HE'S COMING OVER HERE! He's got a wheelbarrow! NO ONE KNOWS I'M HERE!  
Thin tendrils of mist came up from the wet ground. A brief squall of fat drops splattéed onto the ground, then stopped as if it thought better of it.

Waluigi slid back down the cut. He pulled off his cap and peered up. Luigi paused at the same time Waluigi slid back down. Luigi shrugged his shoulders and continued to push the wheelbarrow. Directly towards Waluigi's hiding place.

Waluigi lay flat on the wet, springy ground. How long was he going to stay down here? Moisture seeped through his trousers and sleeve. He heard snatches of curse words punctuated by crisp, turgid squelches.

Snick!

"-si merde!"

Squitch!

"-that was a foot long!"

Snick!

"-lumanche muoini!-

Squick!

Man, Luigi sure has a potty mouth. And a lot of rage. And a knife. Ulp.

Having busied himself with molluscular genocide, Luigi was almost on top of him. He could hear his footsteps, his breathing. Waluigi's breathing had stopped. Go away, there's nothing here. Not even slugs. Well, not many.

The next thing Waluigi felt was a warm, moist mound of organic material dumped on his reclining form. Compost. The wheelbarrow was full of compost. How is this going to get worse?! Well, at least it might be better camouflage. Or he might just look like a walking heap of compost, like Wario when he wakes up. Then he felt warm water trickle on his head. It had a familiar smell. Of course it can get worse, that's one of life's facts!

He heard Luigi whistle a tune, turn around and move the wheelbarrow away from the edge.

Damn. How much do you want a Beanish rose? He really hoped that what he'd eavesdropped between Peach and Rosalina was true. Also this was technically theft, but plants grow back, right?

Waluigi half-crawled half-slithered up the cut. Rosalina had arrived and Luigi had washed and dressed in clean clothes. Mario was pouring drinks. Wario was obvious in his absence-oh there's his car coming to a stop.

Sensing this opportunity, Waluigi combat crawled directly to the Beanish rose, selected a few blooms on the nearside. After some digging and compost removal, he found the secateurs and tied them up. Clasping them in his teeth, he crawled back to the cut. Once he was over the fence, he breathed a sigh of relief.

It was best that Rosalina was out as he wasn't in a state to be seen by anyone. But he had the roses! Now, you know that Rosalina's cottage is about an hour away if you run it. Just leave the roses on the doorstep, keep her guessing. He almost smiled, even as the heavens opened.

Waluigi gasped. He was feeling the cold now as the rain drenched him. The plastic wrap kept the worst of the rain of the roses and THEY weren't suffering. Damn. What if I get lost? Though the day had been warm, the rain was freezing and he was becoming disorientated.  
Wait. This is Rosalina's house. She's left a light on.

Waluigi shambled up the path, roses in hand. Just put them down on the step and get back to your car...oh where is it?  
Freezing, soaking wet and lost he paused. What in all of the Kingdom was he going to do now?

The click of the door latch jolted Waluigi's chilly brain into action. It was Rosalina, dressed in a navy blue night gown.

"Waluigi? What happened?!"

She looked at his mud spattered form where bits of compost still adhered. Then she took in the roses.

"Beanish Roses!" She beamed, but that flicked into a frown at a speed which would give lightning a shock.

"Where did you get them? I know of only one place they grow in this kingdom?"

"Uh uh...I..thought you'd like ...them? please?" He could barely get the words out.

Anger and pity fought for dominance on here face. It was a cold night and the rain wasn't letting up.

"Come in, you look half gone already! Stop! Take your clothes off in the porch! Not 'til I've shut the door! I'll bring towels!"

Waluigi complied in silence. He did note that she'd taken the roses.

He stripped off all his sodden, filthy clothes. He towelled himself off as best he could. Rosalina had provided him with a cotton jumpsuit of hers which fitted reasonably well, it a little short in the leg. He nervously opened the door.

"Well, this puts us in something of a quandery doesn't it Waluigi? I mean accepting your gift is accepting stolen goods?"

Waluigi looked crestfallen. The morale boost gained from getting warm and dry wore off in a flash.

"Uhhhh well I thought you'd like them. I uh I did offer them money, but the Bros said they weren't for sale. And no-one sells them. I uh.. I guess I wanted to show I wasn't such a huge jerk."

"Should be angry at you but I can't be. I am curious though. What where you doing to get so messed up? You really thought you where doing it for me?"

"Um yeah, but now you've said it it seems kinda dumb."

She looked him up and down. He seemed so sheepish in that he had put himself in such discomfort and danger to impress her?!

"Look Wah, you ought to have a bath. There's enough space on the floor, I'll bring some blankets for you. But if I ever get wind that you have trespassed or stolen anyone else's property, then you are dead to me. Also you'll have some time to think how your going to make make it up to Luigi as it his bush you've vandalised!"

Waluigi stared at his feet.

"Yeah. But thanks for taking me in. I was in trouble out there."

"Well, wouldn't you do the same on a night like this? Anyway, take your clothes into the utility room and put them in the washer."

Soon, Waluigi bedded down for the night in front of the fire. Perhaps it wasn't a complete disaster after all.


	4. A Night to Remeber

Wario stalked around the tall fence of the property. No traps or alarms as far as he knew. Gingerly, he pushed at the gate. It swung open, much to his surprise. That's wierd. Or maybe he's one step ahead, he thought.  
He walked up the path, throwing meaty kibbles to the snapping piranha plant which lined the path. He tried the door. It was unlocked. What kind of ploy is this? Does he know what I've got planned? Wario was almost worried.  
Right, let's get on with it.

He crept up the stairs, spotted the door to the master bedroom and kicked it open, whipping the waterpistol over his shoulder and disgorging 2 liters of curdled milk all over Waluigi's bed.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha! Got you LOSER! Those double bluffs didn't work! He screeched triumphantly. But the smile dropped from his lips when he saw that one critical component to his practical joke was missing.

"Wah? WAH! DAMN it! Where are you?"

Wario seethed. But a flash of inspiration entered his jaundiced mind as he got out a permanent marker and wrote 'A PRESENT FROM LUIGI' on the discarded waterpistol. The stench was bad enough that it was getting even to his mighty constitution so he made a hasty exit.

Wario had no sooner got into his house when it dawned that he was supposed to be plotting his latest money making scheme with Waluigi. But of course he wasn't there. Wario dialled his number.

"Waluigi? Where are you? There's that meeting we'd planned first thing!"

"Yeah, uh something came up last night. I'm not too far. I'll be back in a couple of hours."

"So where are you?"

"I'm at Rosalina's ..."

There was a silence which was exactly the length of someone's pause who wished they hadn't said it.  
Wario sniggered. I KNEW it! That made up for this mornīng's failure.

With no further response, Wario hung up and made a call to the editorial staff at Glint! Magazine.

-

"Um thanks for having me last night. I didn't know I was in trouble until I tried getting undressed. It took me three goes just to get my shoes off."

"You were in a bad way last night Waluigi. I'll have your clothes dry soon. Now, I'm making breakfast. Would you like poached eggs on toast?"

Waluigi sat at the table. The coveralls he was wearing were a little tight round the shoulders and hips. He couldn't remember a time whenever anyone had cooked him breakfast. He looked at the clock.

"Damn it! I'm supposed to be at a meeting in two hours!"

"How far away is it?"

"If the traffic isn't too bad maybe one hour."

"Right. We can have breakfast but I've not sure your clothes will be dry in time."

"Damn! Oh no! Thanks for letting me stay. And thanks for breakfast. It's just my car's some distance away."

Waluigi bolted his food, grabbed his clothes and hurried to his car, still wearing the coveralls Rosalina had leant him.

Waluigi pulled into the drive, having had the presence of mind to change into his normal clothes before setting off. So far, no-one was watching as far as he could tell and the journey had been uneventful. He threw kibbles to the piranha plants but they just twitched at him.  
The stench of rotten milk hit him as soon as he opened the door to his house.

"Wario! What the hell! Is this some jerk-ass prank 'cause I said your latest moneymaking scheme sucked?!"

Pulling his shirt up over his nose he ascended the stairs to his bedroom. He opened up the door; the smell of rotten milk hit him like a physical force.

Damn! Screw you Wario! He looked at his ruined bed. No doubt it was meant to get him out of bed but he wasn't there. Then he saw the writing on the barrel of the water pistol. Gagging he grabbed it and ran downstaris than outside, taking lungfills of fresh air.

"A present from Luigi, eh? Screw you loser! I'll turn on those bugs I said I removed years ago. I'll give you a new reason to cry in the shower!" But the handwriting seemed too familiar...

"WARIO! I'LL KILL YOU!" Waluigi screamed. Naturally, Wario had gone to his office in Diamond City. Plenty of time to plot his revenge later.  
This was a new low even for Wario but now he had nowhere to sleep as his bed was a complete write-off. He drop-kicked the water pistol over the fence and smiled with satisfaction as it clipped the side of Wario's prize car.  
Petty vengance over for now, there was still the problem of where he would sleep. It had to be a bed right for his size or else the day after was a write-off. Dammit! It would be a week at least before he could get another one since they had to be custom built. His back twinged in response - it had only just recovered from soccer training at Thwomp Towers. So where else could he go until his room was cleaned? Not Wario's! Bleaurrgh! Besides he knew it was him that had done that prank, evrn with that lame-ass attempt to frame Luigi.  
But what about Roaslina? Maybe he could borrow her mattress that she'd let him use when he stayed at hers? The drive would be a pain but at least he's be able to sleep it off.

He got out her card and started dialling, but hadn't even finished before he saw a pale blue car approach and disgorge a frustrated looking Rosalina heading straight towards him.

"WALUIGI! HAVE YOU BEEN SPREADING RUMOURS ABOUT SLEEPING WITH ME!"

Stunned by the torrent of invective, Waluigi dropped his phone.

"Uh no... I've only just got back...um what's up?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP!? LOOK!"

She thrust a magazine into Waluigi's hand. Staring at him, white with rage she watched as he glanced at the cover and moved to the double page spread. There were telephoto shots of him leaving the house, one still dressed in the jumpsuit.  
"The Purple Pest's Walk of Shame" was the tagline on the front cover of Glint! Magazine, as Waluigi read it as a reflex.

"TO SPACE WITH YOUR WALK OF SHAME! What about mine?! Did you and Wario put me up to it! You must have phoned that damn rag as soon as you got here?!"

Waluigi swallowed hard. Better say something!

"I didn't do anything! I only just got back here! Wario's vandalized my house and I've got nowhere to go."

"SOMEONE 'phoned that rag and by Bowser's fire pits it wasn't me!"

Realization dawned like an icy flood.

"Wario. Wario rang and asked where i'd been 'cause I'd missed a ...business meeting. So I told him where I'd been."

Rosalina snatched back Glint! Pushing her face within touching distance of his she hissed.

"What where you THINKING! You know better than others just what a thirst for gossip there is out there. You've no shortage of stories in this rag, even more than Luigi."

Waluigi felt that hot, shrinking feeling again, but this time had a touch of sadness to this feeling. What was it? Shame? Remorse? But this time it wasn't his fault. He stared at his shoes.

"Uh...I guess...um I guess that,...no I didn't think Wario would do that. But then I forgot he'd do anything for a quick buck. I'm...I...I...I'm...sorry."

There! He said it although it stuck in his throat like a garlic candy. Rosalina's look of cold fury seemed coloured by pity.

"You had better not be lying to me, Waluigi. I hate this stupid rag but Princess Peach advised that I need to check it out just to be aware about some of the rubbish that some here believe! Some of the stories about you make my hair curl but I have my doubts about how much IS lies!"

"I'm not, Rosalina really. Believe me! What do I need to do for you to believe me? I swear!"

"I don't know, Waluigi, you only know that. I don't think it's a good idea for is to see each other for a while. But If I see you doing anything mean to the Bros or Peach and Daisy, you are dead to me!"

She turned on her heel and went back to her car. All Waluigi could do was stand in the doorway and watch as the car receeded into the distance. This somehow felt worse than a punch to the groin. Rosalina was the only person it seemed who just wanted to get to know him without judging him and one stupid mistake he's screwed it. Much to his dismay he felt tears in his glared at one of the cameras.

"I'll give YOU something to watch!" as he punched it, the pain from the shards of glass fixing his mind in the present. He knew what to do now. If he wasn't going to sleep tonight, then niether was Wario.


	5. Midsummer Madness

It was with some surprise that Waluigi recieved the official looking envelope from his secretary one summer morning at his HQ in Diamond City, mainly because he was looking at his accounts, a task that always put him in a bad mood. He was about to bawl out the young Toad who try-hard tendency annoyed him more often than no, when he saw the royal crest on the envelope.

"You said do not disturb but this is official. It's got Princess Peach's official stamp on it."

"Oh, thanks Kate T. But make yourself useful and don't let anyone else through here unless the office is actually on fire. It's Spreadsheet Day!"

The young Toad nodded and shut the door behind her.

Waluigi eased back into his (custom-made) chair and opened up the envelope. What would Princess Peach want with him? Was this more plans for another season of Mario Party. Or was it a post-mortem of the last one? He shuddered at that thought, as his knees now hurt whenever it was cold and he still had the scars from that Chain Chomp Stomp game.

"Dear Waluigi,

Following the success of Mario Party, I and my Cabinet would like to cordially invite you to my private summer ball at Peach Castle on the 30th July. Transport will be laid on for you as will accommodation.  
Please ensure that your RSVP is recieved by the 15th July."

Princess Peach

Less of an invitation, more of a summons.

He wasn't sure what to make of these as although it wasn't the first time he had been to a ball at Peach Castle, it had been a long time since he had actually been invited.  
To be honest he found the bowing and pretending tiresome but there was free food, drink and the opportunity to show his moves on the dancefloor. Not to mention the temptation to bring some of his special bottles to place on the table...

Another thought jostled into his head. Would Rosalina be there. After the whole "Walk of Shame" incident he had steered clear of her as best he could without actually trying to shun her. Of course there were certain goods and services he provided and had done so without incident, that had been the limit of their contact. He was surprised to find how much he missed her. Chances are she would be there too. So...?

His fine threads were gathering dust and it was within a week before his well-earned holiday on his private island.  
Well why not?

Waluigi smiled then scowled when he remembered that the spreadsheets would not fix themselves.

The day of the ball dawned warm and humid. Waluigi layed out his clothes for the evening consisting of a silk dinner suit in black and dark grey pinstripe and matching vest, dark purple silk shirt and a cravat. He'd never got on with bowties - leave that to the Super Derpy Bros. He carefully placed them in his suitcase along with a modest black box. He grinned as this was one of Wario's new games that he said was guaranteed to liven up a party. He had had a tip-off from one of his staff that they were searching people on entry for contraband drinks after one particularly lively banquet, so he'd play it safe this time.

Waluigi adjusted his cravat feeling grateful for his choice of attire since it was still warm and humid. Still, some starch was needed here and there. His quarters for the next few days were in the Castle and he was grateful he had a double bed as at least he would get a decent night's sleep that night.  
He heard a knock on the door; his signal to go downstairs.

He entered the room cutting quite a dash, he thought. There was Wario in a yellow silk suit which already looked worse the wear for the heat looking not unlike a melting slab of butter. Mind you, Wario could raise a sweat in a freezer. Then there were the Derpy Bros, but rather than wearing their old fashioned tuxes, they were wearing lightweight summer suits with shirts in their chosen colours. They had even ditched their hats!  
He looked across the room, spotting Daisy in a low-cut full length gown with a tight bodice and a full flouncy skirt, holding the hem in one hand. There was Mona, getting water for herself and Wario, wearing a daring laser-cut red silk number which was one of his designs. He smiled. He rather liked the fact that many did not know how wide and diverse his business interests were.

Then he saw her. Tall and graceful in her characteritic powder blue silk with an iridescent shimmer, her platinum blond hair loose and free, her characterisitic fringe over one eye. He felt himself walk towards her almost without volition, the curses of a Cabinet member he tripped over bringing him out of his reverie.

"Look where you are GOING! There are others here you know!"

"Hey! Uh..ah um. I uh didn't see you from here.."

"Don't do it again!" Toadsworth bristled.

Waluigi blinked. They should damn well look where they're going, stupid Toads! It wasn't like he was hard to see. Right. Try not to look creepy and weird. Don't creep her out. And try and be polite. Even if they aren't to you-

A sound of trumpets came from the musicians lining the main staircase leading from the Pricess's chambers. Princess Preach, resplendant in a low cut blossom pink gown and shoulder length gloves made her way slowly down the stairs to the cry of the Herald.

"To all assembled, Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom."

"How grateful we are to see you all assembled here for the Summer Ball. May you enjoy our hospitality as we enjoy your presence here tonight."

This was the gesture to move into the main hall which had been set up for the Banquet.

Waluigi looked at the seating plan. He was sat some distance away from Wario and Rosalina was out of sight. He was sat between an elderly Toad and a Koopa who he didn't recall ever meeting before. It looked like a long evening.

He was right. Waluigi's attempts at small talk fell flatter than a Thowmp's mattress as neither of them seemed willing to talk to him. Seemed like his reputation preceded him as always. Well stuff them. They were rather more animated talking to each other. He pattered his pockets and cursed inwardly when he realised his vial of mashed naga chillis were on his nightstand back home. No chance to liven this up then.

The food arrived but he barely noticed it as he looked around the table. Wario was holding court to a group of Piantas, in his element. Daisy and Luigi were flirting with each other in the way they thought that no-one else would notice but which anyone with eyes could see it. Mario was in animated conversation with the Toads by his side who seemed to be hanging on to every word. He looked over his shoulder - he could just about see Rosalina who seemed to be playing with her bread roll in a disinteresed fashion. He felt surprised by this.

Finally, desert was served which was part of the Grand Cake that Princess Peach herself had overseen, cooked to one of her own recipes. Say what you like about her, he thought she sure knows how to bake.

All started to drift out towards the ballroom, open to the courtyard with the fountain. People were finding their groups so he went over to catch Wario. He was hardly suprised that no-one wanted to dance with him after all most of the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom were on the small side.

"Hey?"

"Hey Wah. You still sore about the mattress?"

"Uh, forget it. So, you seen anyone you want to check out?"

Wario beamed. "Oh yes. I've found a group of Pianta developers who are interested in developing that new water park not far from Toad Harbour. I've got them to talk to that Toad who's got way more money than sense so he can do something useful for it"

"Oh. Cool." That was Wario alright.

"Hey! Wah!"

"What?" What did Wario want from him?

"You looking for Rosalina? She went down to the Courtyard."

Busted. Was it that obvious to EVERYONE?!

Damn, now what? If he came out NOW then it would look like he'd followed her. OK, that was kinda true but remember, try not to be wierd. Man, this is hard. Wait! Give it 10 minutes.

Following 10 minutes of tortuous mingling and not-watching-the-clock-honest he took a deep breath and made his way out to the courtyard. There was a small group near the door, enjoying the warm night breeze. There was the fountain and the hedges surrounding the benches. The courtyard seemed larger than the last time he came here but that was some time ago.

To be honest out here was better than all that bobbing and pretending, made doubly hard since there was no guarantee he'd be able to get his black box o'tricks out. Damn, not being able to prank people was SO hard!  
He took some deep breaths. The air was warm and still, which amplified the scents of the flowers and plants around him. Away from the chatter of the crown and with just the sound of the fountain he relaxed. There seemed to be a heavyness to the air which felt like it would rain soon.

He wandered around. These hedges were new and made something resembling a maze with the fountain at the centre. He was wondering what to do next - it seemed too early to call it a night when he heard sobbing. It was Rosalina - he could see the top of her head above the edge.

Damn! Now what? He hoped no-one was going to blame him for this. He felt a brief lift as he realised that someone else was having a worse time this evening than he was. But why Rosalina? He sighed. Only one way to find out. If she tells him to quit, then he would. So what's there to lose?

"Um. Hi? It's a nice evening out here?"

Silence.

He sat down on the bench adjacent to her, looking at the fountain. He could tell she was sobbing quietly.

More silence.

"Um hi, I kinda wasn't expecting anyone out here." Rosalina turned round with a start.

"Me neither, it just...Even though I have my citizenship of the Mushroom Kingdom and everyone has been so friendly it just gets too much! I'm not used to being around people. And there are some who think I'm stuck up because of my royal title but I'm not! It's just...Oh I don't know!"

She burst into tears. Waluigi sat in an awkward silence. Best not say anything yet.

"It's ok, you don't have to feel like you need to be round people all the time."

"Yeah, but I can't shake the feeling that it's expected of me." Rosalina's tone of voice then changed sharply.

"Hey aren't you Waluigi? If so then get lost! I bet your only doing this to get at Luigi - you know damn well he's found this whole thing with me difficult!"

"What thing? I know he acts like a goomba in a piranha plant patch but he's like that with anyone he fancies-"

"NO!...no it's not like that. Oh wait? You really don't know?"

"Yes! Look I...uh don't feel you have to tell me anything you don't want to. Um.I only came out here 'cause I needed fresh air. Uh you know it might not look like it but I'm not great with people too."

"That's hardly the news of the century!" she retorted. Well at least she wasn't crying now.

"Hey! I'm like that because people make me jumpy. I'm a jerk 'cause that's how people treat me. I don't wanna be a jerk to you!"

Rosalina looked at him in surpise.

"Um eh, well if people want you to be a jerk just 'cause you look a bit weird I thought stuff them, I'll get in the jerkass box and be the best jerkass I can! But I...But I kinda hoped you would'nt think I'm a jerk!"

Much to his surprise he felt a catch in his throat. But she hadn't moved away from him.

"Maybe I should give you a chance, even with your reputation. After all Mario, Luigi and Peach's have taken a battering in time."

The first fat drops of rain started to fall. They were the advanced guard before the main onslaught.

"Damn! Now we'd better go back in!"

Without thinking, Waluigi removed his jacket and offered it to Rosalina.

"Here take this" as they dashed through the downpour back into the hall.

The hall was busy as it was officially carriage time for the majority of guests who were not staying at the Castle. Just as well as Waluigi and Rosalina were soaked by the rain.

"Rosalina! Oh and Waluigi! We're having a private afterparty in the games room. Want to join us? All the usual suspects will be there!"

Waluigi and Rosalina exchanged glances. Rosalina spoke up.

"Yes, yes we-I will. But I want to freshen up first. That rain isn't letting up and we got caught in it."

"Yeah, the jacket is a write off. Uh, where is your games room?"

"I'll show you the way, Waluigi. But let's get dried off first."

Waluigi ditched the jacket, vest and cravat. The silk shirt only needed some blotting with a towel, along with his hair. This was a perfect time for the black box.  
He opened up the door to see Rosalina on her way past, wearing a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, her hair dry.

"This way Waluigi."

"Um, my friends (friend?) call me Wah."

"Okay, Wah. What's in that black box."

"Heh he, you'll find out soon."

They found Princess, Daisy, the Super Derpy bros and DK in the play room, having taken up camp around a coffee table on assorted bean bags. All had removed some of their formal attire.

"Much as I'm fond of Toadsworth, I always feel like I'm twelve years old around him! It's nice to chill out!"

"Rosalina! You made it! Uh Hi Wah"

"Yo"

Waluigi placed the box on the table. There was a sharp intake of breath from around the table.

"Is that more of the scary stuff you bring in brown bottles that dissolves metal?" Luigi said.

"No, this is a brand new card game."

"What?! Oh. oh hang on..."

Waluigi grinned as he lifted the lid. Peach's face fell.

"Cards Against Lifekind?! I thought that was just a rumour!"

"Oh no its not! This evenings been kinda flat Peach, even you would admit it. It doesn't discriminate against anyone 'cause EVERYONE is a target! You enjoyed it that last time we played it. This edition just a little newer..."


	6. A House of Cards

Rosalina looked puzzled. Daisy grinned

"Come on! I was stuck with a mushroom farmer for TWO HOURS! I couldn't tell him to scram 'cause he's an old friend of my father. I want some fun and being a butt monkey is a risk I'm taking."

Luigi looked pensive as did Peach. Daisy nudged Luigi. "Don't worry sweetie, you'll be able to get your own back.

"Okay, bring it on and let's get started." said Peach.

Rosalina glanced at Peach nervously as Waluigi dealt everyone 10 white cards.

"How do you play this game?"

"One person takes a black card, which usually has a question. You must answer the questions using the white cards. You must choose the answer which seems as funny as possible. Then you put your chosen cards(s) face down in the centre. Then whoever asked the question reads the answers and chooses the funniest answer from the selection. The winner gets the black card as a tally. The person with the most cards at the end of the game is the winner! Everyone takes a turn at asking questions."

The tiniest trickle of doubt flowed into Waluigi's mind as he saw everybody look at their cards. Was this the copy of the game with his own entries in? All copies of CAL had blank black and white cards for people to write their own. No. No, you went through the deck. Remember? Wait, people are looking at you...

"Peach! How about you take the first round?"

"Why not?" Peach shuffled the black cards and picked a card. This one was "Charades were forever ruined for me when I had to act out_."

Rosalina looked down at her cards. Some of the selection didn't make sense. One of them was "'Shrooms" and another, strangely said "Luigi". But the one that said "Bowser figure skating" made her smile, so she chose it.

All put there cards on the table. Peach read them out.  
"Ok, Charades were forever ruined when I had to act out...A horse with no legs...Taxidermy...The wrong hole...A supershroom...A hidden block...Bowser figure skating."

She giggled. "Bowser figure skating it is! Who's was it?"

"Mine" Rosalina said.

"Okay, I'm sitting next to Daisy - she goes next. But right now I'm hungry."

Some looked at her askance.

"I seldom get to eat much at a banquet - I'm find it hard to when people are watching and I'm always speaking to everyone all the time. I'll get Toad to send up some pizzas and corn dogs. Meanwhile - here is some Chuckhola Noveau. It's not too strong or sweet."

She got out a chilled bottle from the small fridge near the wall and poured it out into the assorted drinking vessels at hand, locating a couple of glasses for Waluigi and Rosalina. She took a sip and enjoyed the fragrant, tart taste. Looks like this isn't going to be so bad after all. She felt herself relax.

Daisy took a card.

"What left this stain on my couch?"

Again, the faint sound of sniggering and cards on the table.

"So, what left the stain on my couch then? We have...Donkey Kong (faint growl from DK), Italians (the Bros look sheepish), Grandpa's ashes, Syphalitic Insanity(!), All of this blood and a gassy Yoshi. I'll go for the "Gassy Yoshi".

"Grrr!" DK won this round.

Rosalina could see why the game had it's name. It seemed almost illicit, playing a card game openly critical for entertainment with Waluigi of all people. She smiled and took a swig of the lightly alcoholic drink. She looked at Waluigi, he seemed a bit pensive but smiled back at her. He looks.. handsome when he smiles without baring his teeth. And his hair looks cute and fluffy when towel dried.

And so on, the game proceeded with giggles and the occasional groan, such as "Mario Bros Swimsuit Edition (DK in answer to "Science will never explain _") or "Wario's Dirty Underpants Hamper" (Luigi in answer to "My gym teacher got fired for adding _ to the obstacle course."). Toad came up with the pizza, corn dogs and assorted chips and dips much to everyone's delight.

Until it was Wario's turn, where even before he'd picked the black card he had examined his new white deck, (everyone takes a new card(s) to replace the one(s) used in the previous round.) his face expanded into the most enormous grin.

Waluigi looked at his own deck. His face froze, for there was a handwritten card in his hand now. Ironically, they were a good match for the question. (Finally! A service that delivers _right to our door.) being "65 kg of medical grade heroin" and "Hidden camera footage of Luigi sobbing in the shower.", respectively but they were hand written on blanks. His handwriting. And Wario'. Which meant there were others in the pack. Oh no!

"Waluigi - you ok? You want some fresh air?" Peach looked concerned.

"Um, I'm ok, but maybe the window would be open more?"

He pushed the window open further. The rainfall hadn't slackened and the air felt pleasently cool. She hasn't seen your handwriting. Yet.

He shuffled through his hand and picked a card at random.

Wario examined the answer cards.

"Finally! A service that delivers _right to our door. What could it be? We have: Bowser Koopa (sniggers), Repression, The secret of enternal youth, Princess Peachs's 'Cake', Hidden camera footage of Luigi sobbing in the shower and basic human decency. Well, it'll have to be Luigi's camera footage! Who's that?"

Luigi had turned red. Rather than giggles, there was an awkward silence. Luigi looked at the card.

"It's hand written.." Luigi said

"Oh sweetie, it's getting late and you always get sleepy after eating carbs - lets make a move. Good night!" Daisy got Luigi by the wrist and led him out of the room, shooting Waluigi a glare.

Waluigi sat in silence. He hadn't written that card. Peach and Mario gave Waluigi a strange look and even Wario had stopped smirking.

"Um, this is weird. So who's was it?"

Wario raised his hand. Waluigi stared daggers at him.

"I think we'd better put this game to an end."

Peach and Mario left the games room, followed shortly by Wario. Waluigi and Rosalina found themselves alone.

"Well...it's been an interesting evening, but why? Why did you do that?!"

Waluigi flushed.

"That wasn't me! That was one of Wario's cards dammit! Oh, and I did go through the deck, but not enough, eh? I can prove the handwriting!"

Rosalina nodded, not sure what to make of it. But she looked at Waluigi and smiled.

"Wah, I wasn't sure about you but this evening was not a complete disaster. Being caught out in the rain, playing this game - I see what you mean by it best not done when sober! But now I'm hungry!"

They looked over the remains of the snack food. All that was left was a selection of dips and a solitary corn dog. Waluigi eyeballed the corn dog.

"What are your thoughts on corn dogs, Rosalina?"

"Corn dogs, they are a snack food which although calorific and full of preservatives provides a tasty, satisfying snack but which is swiftly forgotton and best left to an occasional basis."

Waluigi looked at the corn dog, then at Rosalina and back at the corn dog.

"Well, looking at the corn dog, although it's gone cold now is still crispy and tasty and will no doubt be satisfying at this time of night. I reckon the chilli dip could provide some excitement."

"Ah yes, some excitement and enhancement."

Rosalina went to pick it up and took a bite out of it.

"I see what you mean, some sauce is needed"

"I'll pass the sauce..."

This is only getting wierder, Waluigi thought. It wasn't possible that she wanted to, uh spend more time with him, now? He passed the chilli sauce.

Rosalina dipped the corn dog in the sauce, then offered it to Waluigi. He took a bite.

"Do you want me to give it to you?"

"Uhhh, I don't know.."

She...She wasnt uh... Oh no!

He took another bite. Rosalina finished it off.

"Okay Wah. I'll be level with you, I'm a woman with needs and you are a man who has similar and somehow you have made this evening actually fun for me. So, I believe your quarters has a double bed as has mine?"

There wasn't much that Waluigi could say to that so he simply nodded, grinned and let Rosalina lead him out of the games room...


End file.
